Lions, and Tigers, and Bears, OH MY!

I have always thought of myself as brave.  I look right at the needle when I get blood drawn.  I walk into a new place with my head held high, making eye contact.  I sing in public for money.   I was an unwed 20 year old new mom, who put herself through college, with my son's father long gone.   I'm not afraid of anything, right?  wrong.

  

I am scared most of the time, and I hate it.  A strange thing happened when I became a mom.     I realized my own mortality.  Worse than that, I realized my children's.  I could suddenly see, in perfect clarity, the worst possible outcome for every scenario.  I was afraid they or I would get hurt, or worse.  And, it crippled my life, for the most part, until I turned 27.

  

Over the past several years, I have been trying something new.  If it scares me, I do it. No excuses.  I have been working my way through scary to downright terrifying.

  

I have always loved to sing, and had tried karaoke.  I always left wanting more, wanting to be the hostess, though the thought made my stomach try to dive out my throat. 

One night, at karaoke, drunk. I told the hostess that I wanted a job hosting karaoke, never thinking she would take me seriously, I was drunk.  The next Friday, I show up and am thrust into training, she tells me "tomorrow night is a hockey fundraiser and I need you at work by 9.  I also need someone to work karaoke here part-time".

What...?

Huh...? 

Me...?

but, I was drunk...! 

I was terrified (notice the italics to denote extra terrified).  What if I screwed up?  I did.  All my fears about hosting have come true, and somehow I still host.  I have sang terribly, had feedback so bad I was scared I damaged ears, had a full bar start booing me when I set up, boob pop out mid-song.  I have learned to laugh at these moments now, because there's not a damn thing you can do to stop them, and fearing them, is just stupid.  

I recently decided to take my new found bravery and try it on something really scary...  bears.  I have not camped my entire adult life because of bears.  I read once that bear attack survivors most remember the sound of the bear gnawing on their skull!  On-Their-Skull!  Can you imagine what that would sound like?  Feel like?  I still get squeamish  just thinking about it. 

I find myself camping, in bear country, with two guys who are like brothers to me.  They spent the entire two hour drive out debating the best ways to harass me about my fear of bears.  See, like brothers.   

When we reach the site, we find old bear scat, and we're on a river.  Bears love fish, fish are in  rivers.  I start to object, and get laughed at.  

It was May, and still below zero at night, so I was camping in the back of my friend's S.U.V., using my tent to change clothes and clean up.  Also, I was too afraid to sleep in a tent in bear  country. 

The guys tell me I need to find a place to do my business, in the woods, far from the campsite and the river next to it.  In the woods, where the bears are.  I immediately started panicking about night peeing and decided that all beer consumption happened before sundown.   

My plan worked great until I drank too much, and decided I was no longer afraid of bears.  Do you know how dark it is outside the fire area?  I had my flashlight, but every time I peed I just felt like a big advertisement screaming "here's the weak and defenseless human, who only has a light and bell for protection".  

The last night I got to see fear first hand. After I had gone to bed, my friend John burst into the Explorer drunkenly exclaiming "there's a BEAR out there!"  I spent the next hour witnessing his absolute fear of bears.  When he had to pee, I had to keep watch and honk the horn every 10 seconds to scare away the bear.  He tried to send me out to check on our other friend who was sleeping in his tent.  He woke up throughout the night still raving about the bear he heard, and asking me to check if it was outside.  

After that, I was far more afraid of frightened drunk people than bears... the worst a bear would do is gnaw on your skull.  

It's exhilarating to do something scary.  It changes you.  The fear is replaced by excitement and confidence, and in the end you find yourself wondering what was so scary in the first place.  I am still afraid, but less so, and deep down I know, I got this.

Next up... gulp... skydiving?...