In order to keep ourselves healthy, we all have to do things we hate. Peeing in a cup, is my thing. The pee test is pure evil, can't they tell from the 18 vials of blood they just took what's wrong with me? Is it necessary to make me humiliate myself too?
I have my cup, have found the bathroom, I lock myself in and my ordeal begins. There's a sign over the toilet explaining exactly how you're to pee in the cup. The first step is to cleanse yourself, so I take the wet-wipe, drop trou, and settle in... Where do I put the cup?
I just read specific instructions stating the importance of a bacteria free environment, I don't want to put my cup on the floor, there's a wet spot and I'm not sure if it's pee or water. The back of the toilet tank has just a steep enough slope to it that the cup slides off, and the toilet paper dispenser is just as useless. Fine, the floor it is.
Using one hand to hold myself open, I wipe in a front to back motion just like the sign says. YAY! but, where do I put the wipe?
Still holding myself open, I look for the garbage can, there it is, on the other side of the room, right next to a table with flowers on it that would work perfectly for putting the cup on. Pretending I am Kobe Bryant I go for three points and the wet-wipe lands three feet away.
It's time for the main event, I grab the cup and try to figure out how to open it one handed, because I am still holding myself open and it's getting uncomfortable. My first attempt is to hold the cup with my ring and pinky fingers and use my thumb and index to open the lid. This would work if I didn't have tiny little child hands.
Sweat is starting to bead on my forehead and other hand is cramping. I grit my teeth and try Plan B.
I start to put the cup between my knees but realize that the outcome of holding my vagina open and closing my knees at the same time will be a broken hand, and I will have to re-sanitize.
I position the cup between the wall and my knee (EUREKA!) and take the lid off. What do I do with the lid? SHIT! Still using my knee to hold the cup, I balance the lid precariously on the top of the toilet paper.
Finally, I can pee in the cup! Still holding myself open, and following the instructions on the sign I start to pee for 2 seconds before I place the cup to catch the stream.
Maybe I was holding myself open wrong, but the pee shot up and out of the toilet like it was coming from a fire hose and onto my legs and jeans, I panic, ramming the cup at my vagina desperately tying to stop the pee, I bang my hand on the bowl and drop the fucking thing in the toilet.
The Tech was kind enough to try not to laugh out loud when I emerged sweaty, wet and crying, needing another cup....
I just read specific instructions stating the importance of a bacteria free environment, I don't want to put my cup on the floor, there's a wet spot and I'm not sure if it's pee or water. The back of the toilet tank has just a steep enough slope to it that the cup slides off, and the toilet paper dispenser is just as useless. Fine, the floor it is.
Using one hand to hold myself open, I wipe in a front to back motion just like the sign says. YAY! but, where do I put the wipe?
Still holding myself open, I look for the garbage can, there it is, on the other side of the room, right next to a table with flowers on it that would work perfectly for putting the cup on. Pretending I am Kobe Bryant I go for three points and the wet-wipe lands three feet away.
It's time for the main event, I grab the cup and try to figure out how to open it one handed, because I am still holding myself open and it's getting uncomfortable. My first attempt is to hold the cup with my ring and pinky fingers and use my thumb and index to open the lid. This would work if I didn't have tiny little child hands.
Sweat is starting to bead on my forehead and other hand is cramping. I grit my teeth and try Plan B.
I start to put the cup between my knees but realize that the outcome of holding my vagina open and closing my knees at the same time will be a broken hand, and I will have to re-sanitize.
I position the cup between the wall and my knee (EUREKA!) and take the lid off. What do I do with the lid? SHIT! Still using my knee to hold the cup, I balance the lid precariously on the top of the toilet paper.
Finally, I can pee in the cup! Still holding myself open, and following the instructions on the sign I start to pee for 2 seconds before I place the cup to catch the stream.
Maybe I was holding myself open wrong, but the pee shot up and out of the toilet like it was coming from a fire hose and onto my legs and jeans, I panic, ramming the cup at my vagina desperately tying to stop the pee, I bang my hand on the bowl and drop the fucking thing in the toilet.
The Tech was kind enough to try not to laugh out loud when I emerged sweaty, wet and crying, needing another cup....
Heehee...Men have similar issues with cups and hoses. lol
ReplyDelete