The Childless.... lucky buggers...

I love people who are never around kids, they make me laugh. they ask the funniest questions, and you can screw with them in the most glorious ways.  


I was once asked, "can't you explain that mommy wants them to clean their room, and then they just do it?" about my 2 and 3 year old daughters and their heinously messy room. Yes, I could explain, and it would be as effective as explaining the meaning of the Matrix movies to them. 

The kidfree* really are trying to be helpful when they say "how much harder can two kids be, than one?" *kidfree:  people who haven't had any exposure to kids


How could I explain to someone that just didn't have a basis for understanding that one child under 3 is exhausting, time and soul consuming.  Two or more are like the fifth ring of hell. 


You are worked beyond exhaustion and your hard work is destroyed in seconds by the screaming, unapologetic, tornado of your progeny.  You are forced to repeat the same phrases so often that you sometimes wonder if your life has become a bad sequel to Groundhog Day; Groundhog Day 4; The Barefoot Lego Wars. 


Even our mom friends with only one kid can't truly understand, but that's a topic for another day.  The kidfree person mostly wants to be helpful, but there are those that dance right over helpful into pain in the ass.

Ever had a kidfree friend or relative take your kid for the day and bring them back looking like they were put to work in a septic tank?  or fed your kid so much candy when you weren't looking, that you couldn't help but smile when Jr. puked on their shoes?  


We've all been faced with some kidfree person looking to undermine us because they find it funny and have no clue about parenting. But, now the laughs are on them. Try any of the following strategies the next time a kidfree saboteur screws with your parenting, not for the feint of heart.

For the first tactic, your kid will have to still be in diapers.  Ever notice the crap explosion whenever your child needs to go up a diaper size.  Use this to your advantage, save smaller diapers for just such an occasion where a crap-bomb will come in handy.  Especially useful for those friends or family who always want you to come to their pristine "don't touch anything homes" with your 5 young boys.  One "incident" and your friend will be happy to meet you somewhere more kid friendly.

This tactic also requires a baby, but less planning.  Do you hate it when someone takes your baby immediately after feeding and starts bouncing and jostling them?  Don't warn them, simple as that, just let them learn like you did.  Same goes for overzealous ticklers, nothing says stop like getting peed on.  Finish it off by playing dumb, "oh dear, she's never done that before. I wonder what would make her pee like that". 

When your kidfree friends offer to take the kids for you, let them.  Experience is the best teacher, and there are no experiences quite like;

• Trying to understand what a three year old wants when they say. "I want the other red one" and you can only see one red one.
• Figuring out what and where the "Reen Neggs and Jam" book is.
• Getting schooled in Pokeman for not knowing that Charizard and Charmander aren't really the same thing.
• Having a 11 year old girl suddenly go nuclear for mentioning her crushes name out loud, in the mall, where someone could hear, and text him, thus, ruining her life, forever.

Use your daughter's knack for asking the worst possible questions to your advantage. Mention to your child that "Auntie Julie doesn't have any babies or ponies" prompting a three hour discussion about the merits of babies versus ponies, and if Auntie Julie's boyfriend left because she didn't get him a pony.  Thus, stopping in her tracks Auntie Julie's comments regarding the grossness of veggies.

Don't argue with your husband's best friend when he says "it's just darts, how much damage can they do".  It's just his drywall, how hard can patching holes be? 

It can be challenging to deal with someone actively disrespecting your parenting.  Keeping a great if not sick sense of humour is your best weapon.  Especially when the parental espionage comes from the inside. When a spouse sabotages you, you might have to get a little messy.

Even in the greatest of marriages, a husband will occasionally undermine his wife with the kids. One of my kids was a puker, but would always say they were fine until it was too late.  We were at an amusement park, hubby and child wanted to go on this turning, spinning, nightmare of a ride.  I objected and my hubby argued to take our kid on. So I folded. We left the park ten minutes later, what I didn't count on was having to drive their puke covered asses home...