It's been a while...

Wow, has it really been since January that I've been here? I've tried to write, but every time I started, I couldn't continue.  On the night of February 5,2011, my world collapsed. 

Even now, I find myself choking on the words.  My Gramma died. The strongest woman I have ever known didn't feel well and went to lay down, to never get back up. My rock, strength, love, my biggest fan and best friend....gone.

I don't remember much from the weeks that followed really, it's like I wasn't quite there, swimming in a sea of pain and disbelief. I felt nearly orphaned... alone... lost... I had responsibilities, but I broke like a doll... I barely made it out of bed for a month. I couldn't imagine my life without her in it... still can't.

All I wanted to do was forget, so it would stop hurting. Each time I remembered, it would rip me open all over again. I didn't know pain like that existed. Something had to give, I couldn't feel that way forever. 

Over the past eight months, I have become quite involved in the world of dogs and dog people, it was this furry world I ran to heal. I found myself on the Board of Directors for the rescue I volunteer with, I took in a beautiful Pit Bull foster puppy (a breed I was terrified of), and best of all, I became a dog trainer. These events helped me not only heal, but become a better person than I was before. 

My beautiful, foster pup lathered me with love and kindness. He would lay next to me and snuggle in. Every so often, he would look up at me with his beautiful eyes and try to plant a sloppy kiss on my face. He was 3 months old, tiny and adorable. I couldn't stop myself laughing out loud when he would tumble off the bed, or suck up for a belly rub. He came to me the week after Gram died, and he licked my wounds and tugged me right out of the abyss. He made me laugh out loud in a world where only pain existed. 

At the rescue, the volunteers were incredibly warm and supportive. One in particular must have somehow understood how lost and lonely I was feeling without my Grandma to talk to, we used to chat several times a day... Gram was my person. This wonderful lady called me daily, "just to check in". She would listen to me cry (and apologize), get mad (and apologize) and say the most depressing shit on earth (and apologize). I am forever grateful that she helped fill the void and shared so much of my hurt. She lightened my load. 

In April, I began training to become a dog trainer. I was not looking forward to the full time hours I needed to work, to become a part-time dog trainer. I hated that I would be away from my kids. I didn't want to meet new people and have to pretend to be happy. I was erratically wavering between anger and depression in the seven stages of my grief. Until, I met the two women who would be training me. Both were so positive, happy and exuberant, they made my bones ache. 

Funny thing was, it felt good to be around them. So much better than the "who gives a shit" and "does it even matter" thoughts that were swirling around my brain. I began to emulate them, and I started to feel... happy. 

I started to love work, at work I couldn't grieve, so I didn't. The death cloud that had been following me around for months started to look a lot lighter... and I could definitely see the silver lining. Anyone can train a dog, teaching someone happiness is something else all together. I owe them both so            much, I have happiness... how can I ever repay that?

Not only am I happy, I am kinder, more patient and understanding. 

Since Gramma's death, I have had the honor of meeting so many fantastic, kind and loving fur and non-fur people. All have eased my pain in some way or another, most without knowing how very much. I wonder if Gram sent them to me because she didn't want me to hurt so bad. 

I wonder if she knew that I would become a better person because of them. I wonder...